When Robyn noticed a large lump in her leg in late December, our world turned upside down. It took two biopsies and too much time to figure out what was going on. By March we finally knew it was a very rare type of cancer (Ewing’s Sarcoma). The treatment plan was chemotherapy to shrink the tumor, then surgery to remove the tumor, followed by radiation to kill the remaining tumor cells, and finally more chemotherapy treatments to catch any straggler tumor cells.
Everything failed.
Robyn was the 1% of patients who’s tumor doesn’t shrink from the chemical concoction meant to deal it a quick demise. Surgery was essential to remove the massive tumor and give her a chance of less spreading. But a scan in the middle of the radiation regimen brought grainy images of more spots in her lungs and spine. Those were added to the targeting data of the computers and the radiation treatments were grew lengthier. Robyn experienced more and more pain. He eye began to become slightly “lazy” and she experienced double-vision. She started to feel “shooting” tingles in her legs as well.
A Trip to the E.R.
A scan of her brain and hip delivered more bad news. Her hip was filled with diffuse spreading and she had a lesion behind her eye. Finally her legs become very weak and hard to move to the point that I had to pick up her up to move her. The on-call doctor said this was an immediate ticket to the ER at our nearby hospital. 14 hours in that E.R. later, and one M.R.I. completed, and we knew the cause of the paralysis. She had a large tumor in her lower vertebrae that was pinching the spinal cord and paralyzing her legs. The recommendation was immediate surgery to address the spinal tumor. The surgery came with a long recovery road and lots of difficulty. This wasn’t going to be possible in her condition. We knew she wasn’t going to survive the cancer.
But that was not the moment when we discovered that Robyn would not survive. That moment was actually a few weeks before. A post-surgery scan had revealed spots in her lungs that weren’t there at the outset of this dark path. Her oncologist said this wasn’t looking good and that she should “think about your mortality.” He explained that he was shifting from trying to cure the cancer to trying to maintain as much quality of life as possible. At an appointment a few weeks after that he wanted to make sure we understood the gravity of the situation. “Eventually we are going to lose this” he said to my wife. We knew this. We were not surprised. We knew she was not going to survive cancer a second time. But hearing your oncologist say “we are going to lose” held a measure of finality.
Back in the E.R., we spoke with our oncologist about hospice care. We knew this was coming. We didn’t know how long. We had kept from telling our kids too much in the event that this dragged out over the span of a year, and those days be more dread than joy for them. But it was time. We found a wonderful hospice center near our home and moved in. Robyn is receiving round the clock care and excellent pain management. The kids and I spend every day with her, only going home at night to sleep. Her sister stays the nights. It’s the best, horrible situation we could ask for.
Facebook Memories and God’s Omniscience
As I look at my Facebook memories each day, I often think “Wow, 8 years ago I was with Robyn getting coffee . . . I had no idea that 8 years from that cup of coffee I’d be holding her hand in hospice.” Each day of fresh facebook memories evokes the same thoughts. I had no idea my time with her was so short. I had no idea we would not grow old together. I just had no idea.
But God knew how many days Robyn had. He had it all planned out ahead of time. It was no surprise to Him that our marriage would last only 22 years. It was no surprise to Him that the the treatments would fail leading up to this moment. Nothing about this situation was alarming or unexpected to Him at all. And Robyn and I both trust God. He’s only ever been good to us. Read the history of His actions towards His people in the Old and New Testament of the Bible. He’s always good. He excels at working “all things together for good” to those who love Him. And to love Him is to trust Him.
Trusting the Grace of God
We don’t know how much time Robyn has on this earth. But we’ve been given a wonderful week and a half so far. We were even able to celebrate her 42nd birthday just yesterday. Two weeks ago I had no idea if we’d celebrate her birthday or her memory on that day. It’s been the grace of God which answered our desperate prayers for “just a little more time.” I’m still praying that we get “just a little more time” together. If you’d like to read Robyn’s own words about this situation, follow the link below.
And don’t shy away from thinking about the horrible reality of death in our life. We’ve been staring at it for a long time. But the Bible says that’s actually a good thing. Ecclesiastes 7:2 reminds us that thinking about death is better than going to a party. Why? Because everyone will die one day, and the wise will learn a lesson from this.
God is good. He gives and He takes away and has every right to do so. He has only ever been good to me and my family. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Robyn’s update:
https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10229507309408773&set=a.1042249898148
Thoughts Worth Thinking 